


The Other Side of Sorrow

by Sasswarrior



Category: Lunar Chronicles - Marissa Meyer
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, F/M, Healing, Panic Attacks, kaider
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-12 22:14:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28517718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sasswarrior/pseuds/Sasswarrior
Summary: After all the events of the Lunar Revolution, Kai has to learn to cope the the side effects of everything he went through.Warning: Anxiety/depression/panic attack trigger warning.
Relationships: Kai/Linh Cinder
Comments: 14
Kudos: 33





	1. The Weight of the World

The face in the mirror was scared; no, _terrified_. With wide dark eyes that appeared almost sunken after weeks and months and maybe even years without sleep, and pale features, he looked like death in the flesh. His looks were reflective of how he felt inside, weak and crying.

Dropping his head into his hands, Kai let out a soft sob, his body wracked with the pain of it all. Even years after the events of the Lunar Revolution, Kai still had these jolts of crippling anxiety that left him feeling as if the whole world rested upon his shoulders, and his shoulder alone. Of course, at the time, that had been the actual reality of things, with Kai carrying the fate of humanity in his hands, and failing to protect the people of Earth. But now that burden wasn't quite as heavy— at least, it wasn't supposed to be.

But even now, after there was peace throughout all the lands, and Kai no longer had to deal with the stress of an unbeatable foe and a fatal plague, everything still felt to be too much. It was just... _heavy_.

Kai shut his eyes and focused on breathing. If the soft inhale-exhaling of his lungs was all he thought about, it would be okay. If he could manage to gain control over that single bodily function, as if it were his only job in the world, perhaps then he could think about other things.

Gradually, his breathing slowed to a normal pace, though his thoughts continued to follow the pattern like a creature amidst the waves of the ocean. It was a steady thing, but a moment of wavering could cost him his breath.

Once he was sure that nothing could stop the gentle rise and fall of his chest, he dared to let his thoughts wander to the feel of the cool porcelain sink beneath his fingertips, and the way the air conditioning above him played with the fine tendrils of his hair. He wondered at the way his left sock felt slightly wadded beside his pinky toe, and the looseness of his pants despite them being tailored specifically to fit him.

After thinking of all the things around him, Kai dared to open his eyes once more and stare down the face in the mirror. It didn't look frightened as before, but simply exhausted— as if it hadn't ever known the action of sleep.

He turned on the sink, cupping his hands beneath the steady stream of water, and wetting his face with it. He allowed the cold liquid to revive his features, opening his eyes to the world and bringing a bit of color to his cheeks. The effect of the water was almost magical in its ability to revive him from a skeletal corpse to Emperor Kaito of the Eastern Commonwealth. He was tired, but now it looked to be only the weariness of caring for so many people, rather than carrying the weight of the world upon one's shoulders.

Turning off the faucet, Kai picked up a fresh white towel and dried his face. A few stray strands of hair were wet from the whole experience, but Kai didn't bother to try drying them with the towel; in minutes they would hardly be damp anymore.

Kai gave himself one last look in the mirror, smiling at himself in an attempt to convince himself that he hadn't just had a panic attack in his bathroom. Because if Kai understood one thing, it was that no one took an anxious leader seriously; he didn't have the luxury of displaying his true emotions to anyone— not even his most trusted advisors.

Because even after all the trauma he'd undergone, the Emperor had to remain untouched and unfazed by the world. He was the face of the country, and a face full of terror would never be one greeted by respect.

***

"Kai," Cinder called out, watching him as he exited the bathroom. He jumped at the sound of her voice, surprised by it even though she'd lived with him for over three weeks now.

"Hi," Kai smiled, walking over to his— _their_ — bed and laying down flat on his stomach, head propped up in his hands. Cinder sat on her side of the bed, still dressed in her regal finery, despite being done with her meetings for the day. It was only three in the afternoon, but the majority of her work consisted of looking over paperwork and signing documents these days. At least, it would be that way before she had the responsibilities of being Empress.

Cinder set down her stack of paper on the bedside table and reached forward to run a hand through Kai's hair. He leaned into the touch, his nerves instantly soothing with her gentle caress. It was almost magical how being in her presence made him feel as if everything would be okay. Because with her by his side, the world didn't rest solely upon his shoulders.

"Your hair's wet," Cinder tittered, playing with the frontmost strands of his hair as if it were the greatest mystery of the world. Kai froze with her words, but she said nothing further on the situation.

She didn't know about his panic attacks. No one in the world did, though Kai suspected that Torin had guessed at Kai's immense stress, observant as he was. It wasn't that Kai didn't want to share this piece of him, seeing how he'd helped her through her own mental battles over the past couple years. But he didn't want to disappoint her— for her to find him weak. After all, it made sense that she was hurt, with all the trauma of leading a revolution. Kai had done so little in comparison to her— suffered so much less. He felt like a fraud in admitting his own pain.

Kai grabbed her hand and pulled it down to rest against his lips, closing his eyes at the feel of her. It felt as if nothing could hurt him so long as he could know that she was there.

"You okay?" Cinder asked, moving her body closer to Kai, but never taking her hand from him. He nodded, though kept his eyes closed shut. He hoped that the nonverbal communication wouldn't set off her lie detector.

Cinder let out a soft hum, but didn't say another word. She moved until she was parallel beside him, though she rested on her back, staring up at the ceiling. Kai kept hold of her hand, though he pulled it away from his mouth and ran his fingers over her palm, memorizing the lines of it.

"You know," Cinder started, sounding almost hesitant. "If you weren't okay, you could tell me."

"I know," Kai said, almost immediately, his body tensing.

"I just–" Cinder turned to her side, facing Kai with a determined look on her face. "I just feel like sometimes you have this sort of wall up," Cinder said. "Like you're trying to protect yourself from something."

Cinder stole her hand away from Kai, propping it beneath her head. But before he could miss her touch, her cool metal fingers rested against his back, tracing unknown patterns against his dress shirt.

"You already know I'm not invincible," Cinder mumbled, the words almost melancholy. "I just want you to know that I don't expect you to be. You're human, Kai, just like the rest of us. Emperor or not."

Kai's eyes began to sting, but the words were comforting. Of course Cinder would understand him, despite all their differences. They had been there for one another through all the worst moments, and built each other back up afterwards. She was a constant pillar of hope in his life; without her, he would not fall.

He considered telling her about just how much pain he was in, but the thought sent him tumbling into that dark place that panic attacks were born out of. He didn't have the mental capacity to deal with another breakdown today.

"I have to go do some work," Cinder said, leaning forward to press a kiss to Kai's cheek. "I'll see you at dinner."

Kai mumbled a goodbye, listening to her footsteps as they walked away, and feeling that cold chill creep back into his chest without her there. And suddenly, the weight of the world was back on his shoulders.


	2. The Weariest Soul

"Your Majesty," Torin said pointedly, drawing Kai out of that hazy place his mind often wandered to.

Kai's eyes snapped to attention, making contact with the seven other world leaders gathered around the table. All six Earthen Leaders, and the new Grand Minister of Luna were together, digitally of course, and all six of his companions were staring at him.

"My apologies," Kai said, his face warming with embarrassment. He wished more than anything that Cinder was with him in this meeting as she had been over the past couple years. But now that she was no longer Queen and not yet Empress, she wasn't invited to the meetings. Not that they'd actually been together, but it had been nice to know that there was one person in this group of sharks that wasn't actively trying to rip his head off every chance they got. She, too, suffered at the hands of these older leaders, with them scrutinizing his every move due to his age and past decisions.

"As I was saying," Queen Camilla continued, giving Kai the stink eye as she warbled on about funds for Earthen-Lunar travel. He just couldn't seem to focus on a single thing anyone was saying, no matter how hard he tried. He needed to be somewhere that wasn't here, though he wasn't sure where that was. It was all simply _too much_.

He clenched his hands beneath the desk, digging his nails into his palms. He gave a few remarks when they were necessary, but mostly tried to focus on not losing it in front of the World's most important people. He had the strangest urge to scream and cry and lay on the floor until he felt something other than all the tumultuous feelings raging within.

When the meeting finally drew to a close, Kai excused himself quickly, ignoring the annoyed look on Torin's face. If he didn't get out of this place, he would lose every scrap of dignity he had left.

Practically running down the palace halls, Kai made it to his room and closed the door behind him just as the tears began to fall. He leaned his back against the door, shaking with the crushing weight of it all.

It was strange how some days it all felt okay. How there were times when he could make it through a meeting without feeling as if he wanted to die, and contribute his thoughts without losing his mind. Because there were days when nothing felt wrong.

But no matter how many good days there were, the bad days never stopped coming.

At first he had convinced himself that they would stop eventually; that after the events of the war, all his struggles with himself would eventually fade, just as the plague was slowly erased from Earth. But it didn't work like that. Of course, as the years went on, the good days had become more frequent than the bad, but it still hurt. Thinking about the past, thinking about the future, _thinking_ itself was killing him.

Because no matter how much time passed, Kai had still lost his father. Kai had still had to watch millions of people die because he was incompetent and incapable of finding a way to stop Levana. Kai had still had to marry a woman twice his age and worry about the consequences of such a relationship pertaining to himself and his nation. All the pain had not magically disappeared with time.

" _I can't, I can't, I can't,_ " Kai whispered to himself, rubbing a hand over his eyes. He wasn't even sure what he couldn't do, but his mind chanted those two words incessantly: _I can't, I can't, I can't._

He let out a guttural sob, curling up on the floor as the tears flowed freely from his eyes. It had been only two days ago that he'd had his last panic attack, and while it wasn't unusual for them to be spaced so close together, it was always a terrible feeling. Even after the attack passed, he spent the rest of the day feeling wretched.

Closing his eyes, Kai tried to forget the pain within his chest and body and soul and think only of his breathing. Because if he could control that one thing, he could remember how to be himself once more— the Kai that everyone except himself knew and loved. The Kai that was only a shadow cast under the light of others around him.

After minutes of mastering his breathing, he thought about the coolness of the floor against his cheek, and the saltiness of his tears on his lips. He had once read that thinking of one's senses and what they were feeling helped to gain control of one's self again, and he found it an effective tactic. When his mind grew attuned to his body once more, it was tethered, no longer allowed to run wild and free.

Within a matter of minutes, Kai was in control of himself again. It was freeing to live within a mind that wasn't being driven mad with unfathomable terror. Because in those moments during a panic attack, no longer could he think with his rational brain— he was a terrified animal that knew only the fear roaring from within.

He stood and washed his face, clearing it as best he could of the tears and pain that had befallen him. When he looked in the mirror, he was Emperor Kaito of the Eastern Commonwealth: leader of his country, defender of all, and the weariest soul on planet Earth.

***

Kai clenched his fist beneath the table, his knuckles turning white and his fingers going numb with the pressure of it. He couldn't lose his composure for the second time that day— he just couldn't.

But there were too many sounds, and all the colors were blinding him, and it was taking everything within him not to scream at the world. It was all just _too much_.

A hand touched Kai's, though the fingers were cool metal and not flesh and blood. Kai flinched, looking down to see Cinder's hand on his. Heart sinking, Kai relaxed his fingers and dared to look up at his fiancée. When his eyes caught hers, he wished he had kept his gaze down.

Her face was worried, and her lips parted as if prepared to ask a question. Kai tried to give her a smile, but it felt twitchy and pained. Cinder nodded her head only slightly, as if to acknowledge that she knew precisely what was going on. She turned away, though her fingers twined in his, squeezing tight.

Kai let out a breath he hadn't known he was holding in, and suddenly everything seemed less loud and brilliant, as if the world had decided that it no longer wished to pain him. His head still throbbed from his breakdown just an hour before, but at least he no longer felt on the verge of another panic attack.

Cinder talked to the Cyborg Rights Officials for the remainder of the meeting, not glancing to Kai for input, for which he was grateful for.

They left the conference hall together, her hand still linked with his, as if telling him that she would never let go. And he knew that she wouldn't— no matter what. But somehow, he couldn't find the words to tell her of his anxiety— his panic attacks. He didn't know if he could bear to disappoint her in such a way, for surely she wouldn't want him anymore. She was so strong; she'd led a revolution and almost died. She'd taken an enslaved country and turned it into a flourishing nation without any prior knowledge of politics. Meanwhile, Kai had sat in his cozy office during the rebellion, or been in Artemisia, doing what? Having fruitless conversations with Levana and worrying about his nation's doom? It was nothing in comparison to her.

And yet, here he was, somehow traumatized after the events of it all.

Of course Cinder had panic attacks; Kai had held her just the night before when she'd woken screaming as if the world were coming to an end. She was not unscathed from the events of the war. She, too, suffered at the hands of something dark tormenting her from within. But unlike Kai, it made sense for her to feel that pain. He couldn't fathom his own _weakness_.

"Hey Kai," Cinder said, nibbling on her lower lip. It was just the two of them in the hallway, walking slowly toward the Royal Quarters, but her voice was low all the same.

"Yeah?"

"Do you remember me telling you about Shen Yawen?"

"Yes, of course," Kai said, his mind tracing back to the beginning of Cinder's reign on Luna. "She was that advisor Iko convinced you to take on, right?"

"That _is_ what I told you," Cinder admitted, somewhat sheepishly.

Kai looked at her, startled by this confession. She averted her eyes, continuing on.

"She's not an advisor, so much as a..." Cinder glanced at him, then let out a sigh. "She's my therapist, Kai."

Kai stopped in his tracks, Cinder tugging on his hand as her feet continued. He stared at her in amazement. Cinder had been seeing a therapist?

"How?" Kai asked. Of course he knew that people could see therapists— it was widely encouraged for all who needed it. Well, unless they were someone in a position like Kai— like Cinder.

Cinder huffed, pressing the door open to their room and pulling Kai in behind her, shutting the door after them. She dragged him to the bed, and they sat down, knees touching, awkwardly not looking at one another.

"I didn't want to tell you, because, well, I was embarrassed," Cinder said meekly. "I didn't want to be the weak one who needed to go talk about my feelings, but..." Cinder made a face, then continued, "Now I wish that I would have told you so much sooner."

"Why?"

"Because," Cinder sounded close to impossible tears. "In the few weeks that I've lived here I've realized how much pain you're in. I've only seen snapshots of you for the past two years, so I always thought that everything was okay, but–" Cinder broke off, pinching the bridge of her nose in that way Kai knew meant she was getting a headache. "Stars, Kai, how could you not tell me that things were this bad? I could have helped, you know."

"I know," Kai mumbled, his cheeks heating with embarrassment. "But I'm fine— really, I don't need help. I'm doing great. Actually," Kai pressed a kiss to Cinder's cheek, though the quivering of his body made it rather sloppy. "I'm doing better than ever with you here with me."

"Kai–"

"I've got to go," Kai cleared his throat, giving Cinder one last kiss before turning away. Cinder grabbed his hand, stopping him from his attempt at a quick get-away.

"Wait, Kai–"

Kai pulled his hand free, and walked to the door, not turning even to say goodbye, for he didn't want Cinder to see the tears falling down his cheeks, or the pain in his eyes. He couldn't stand to be so weak in front of the girl who had always been so strong.


	3. For the First Time

He couldn’t breathe.

Kai was laying on his bathroom floor for what felt like the millionth time, and _he couldn’t breathe_. There was no oxygen to be found, not a single gulp of air to fill his lungs. It was starvation of the cruelest kind.

He gasped, but felt no relief. Tears flowed from his eyes and onto the floor. Choked sobs interrupted his attempts for breath. Everything was pain and pain and pain without respite.

It had been almost a week since his last panic attack, and there had been a moment there where he’d thought that perhaps his anxiety had truly left him as he had proclaimed to Cinder. But now he was back on the floor, wondering if this would be the time he actually died— if this would be the time that his weary soul finally gave up. He wasn’t sure if that’s what he wanted, but he knew that he would be relieved if that were the case.

“ _Damn it, damn it, damn it_ ,” Kai wailed, his whole body tensing as his head began to throb agonizingly. He wanted to slam his head on the floor, or scream until his throat filled with blood, or cry until he drowned in his own tears, but he couldn’t seem to breathe. Of course, he knew logically that somehow his gasping breaths were allowing for oxygen to fill his lungs, but it _didn’t feel like it._

He knew that he had to think about his breathing— that in order to get it under control he had to think about the slow rise and fall of his chest rather than the torture it felt like. But logic didn't live in the town called panic, and he couldn’t reign his thoughts in longs enough to gain control.

“ _I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t_ ,” Kai sobbed, pressing his face into the tiled floor, hoping that the coolness would pull him out, but it did nothing to soothe him. Everything was fire and pain and the end of the world.

Distantly, Kai heard a noise, but his brain couldn’t piece together what it was, and quite honestly, he no longer cared. If the whole world wanted to stare at him at his lowest, to hell with it all. Just as long as it all ended.

Hands touched Kai, pulling his face away from the ground and onto something soft. He cried out as the movement sent a wave of pain through his head, but couldn’t make a move to stop it. He heard a voice saying words in a slow, almost comforting manner, and tried to make out what they were saying.

“Kai, it’s okay,” the voice said, brushing the hair from Kai’s eyes and the tears from his face. “Just listen to me talk— listen to my voice. Just think about my words.”

Kai blinked rapidly, and suddenly Cinder’s face came into view above him, her features pale and blurry. He tried to listen to what she was saying, but his terror screamed louder than her words.

As if sensing this, Cinder lifted Kai’s head out of her lap and laid down on the floor beside him, pulling him into her arms. She cradled his head against her chest, his ear pressed over her heart.

He cried into her, feeling both relief in her being there and shame that she had to see him in such a state. No longer were his thoughts on his gasping breaths or the pounding within his head. He was thinking about her, trying to hear her words and understand what she was saying to him.

Gradually, his gasping breaths evened out, and the tears stopped flowing from Kai’s eyes, though his body continued to quiver. Cinder held him, and Kai realized that she was talking about a small, inconsequential memory of him— their conversation after the Rampion Crew had kidnapped him.

“...I was shocked when you kissed me. But in all honesty, what I remember most about that day was not kidnapping you, or you kissing me, but the massacre in Farafrah. I had known those people, and they were gone— killed by Levana. I felt as if the whole world had crashed down around me.

“But then you were there, and you were so calm. Stars, Kai, I’ve always admired your ability to keep your cool in an intense situation. And not only that, but you trusted me despite all the things I had done, like manipulating Torin, and kidnapping you, and…”

Cinder heaved a sigh, brushing strands of Kai’s hair from his face. He couldn’t tell if it was just his own quivering form, but he thought he could feel Cinder shaking slightly.

“You just held me,” Cinder whispered, her voice catching on the last word. “I thought the whole world was going to end, and you just held me. I was screaming, and throwing wrenches, and you just… held me. It was the first time in my whole life I ever felt safe.”

Kai waited for her to say more, but the words did not come. The only sounds left were their shared breaths and the gentle beat of Cinder’s heart pounding against Kai’s ear in time with his throbbing head. He thought about how miraculous it was that her heart still beat— that she was alive, and able to hold him as the whole world seemingly fell down before him. She was a miracle; she was a blessing upon the Earth to save all mankind— to save him.

“I know you think you have to be that person all the time,” Cinder murmured, tucking her chin on top of Kai’s head. “That you have to be the cool, collected Emperor who can fix the world. That you can’t show any sign of weakness. But you don’t have to be that person all the time. You don’t have to be that person when you’re with me, Kai.”

Cinder petted his hair softly, letting out a low hum. “You were only eighteen when the responsibility of saving mankind itself was placed solely upon your shoulders— that’s a weight that leaves broken bones. It has nothing to do with the strength of a person, Kai,” Cinder said, as if she could read all of Kai’s thoughts. “You’re the strongest, most noble, compassionate person I have ever known.”

A soft whimper escaped Kai with her last words, and he heard a little sob leave Cinder’s lips. She clutched him tighter to her.

“You’ve lived with this pain for far too long, Kai,” Cinder soothed. “It’s time to let it all out. It’s time for you to heal.”

 _“How?”_ Kai breathed, shutting his eyes tight.

Cinder heaved a great sigh, and Kai felt her press a kiss to the top of Kai’s head. His mind was starting to clear and his body was slowly relaxing into her. He felt safe for the first time in a far too long.

“I don’t really know,” Cinder admitted. “Everyone’s journey is different. I was having panic attacks almost every day after you and everyone else left Luna. I just wasn’t sure what to do, and Iko somehow talked me into seeing Yawen. Honestly, I mostly did it just to appease Iko, because I knew that she was worried about me, but after a few sessions with her, I felt better. I’ve worked through things I didn’t even know were bothering me, like how I missed years of my life, or even the trauma of becoming a cyborg.

“For the first, I don’t know, probably two months,” Cinder said, her words sounding like a question, “Yawen and I would talk via portscreen three times a week. Then we went to two times, and then one, and now we only comm when I schedule an appointment.”

Kai thought over her words. Never before had he considered talking to a therapist— he hadn’t known it was an option for him. He was the emperor of the Eastern Commonwealth. He didn’t get to be weak; he didn't want people to think he was weak.

“It’s completely confidential,” Cinder said, in that spectacular way she had of reading his mind. Sometimes Kai wondered if her computer interface was actually a mind reader rather than a lie detector. “Even you didn’t know that I was seeing a therapist— although I am sorry about that.” Cinder’s voice was filled with regret, and almost a hint of embarrassment.

“But if that’s not something you want to do, that’s your choice,” Cinder added quickly. “Though I do think that it’s important to talk these things through— to get it all out. Even if it’s just with me.”

“Okay,” Kai whispered, letting out a concentrated breath. He felt Cinder’s body relax against him, surprising him— he hadn’t known that she was tense. It was strange how one could be in another person’s arms and not feel the stress within their very soul.

“Okay,” Cinder said back.

There were no more words shared between them, but neither released the other from their hold. It felt to Kai as if he finally understood Cinder, and that she finally understood him, and with understanding came little need for words. Because words were only the means of expression for the blind, and Kai could see clearly for the first time in his life.

So Cinder held Kai, and Kai allowed himself to be held until it no longer felt like the world was ending, or like he was foolish or overemotional. Because, after years of suffering in silence, Kai had been heard. After years of feeling as if the world was about to end, Kai finally felt _safe_.


	4. Popped Balloon

Kai watched as Cinder read through a stack of heavy Cyborg Rights documents, pen pinched between her teeth and bangs falling into her concentrated eyes. Her hair was pulled up in her classic messy ponytail fashion that Kai had always found adorable despite its carelessness, and she wore his gray hoodie coupled with a pair of sweats that Kai was almost positive she had stolen from Thorne on her flight home to earth. He was jealous— as Emperor of the Eastern Commonwealth, Kai did not own a pair of sweatpants.

Cinder pulled the pen from her mouth and underlined something heavily, drawing extra lines beneath it as if it were the most important thing in the world. Kai couldn't help it— a little laugh escaped him.

Surprised, Cinder looked up, her eyes wide. "What? She asked.

"Nothing."

"Then why are you laughing?"

This only caused Kai to laugh further. It was late, and he felt happy. It had been three days since Cinder had discovered him on the bathroom floor, and somehow just the simple fact of her knowing of his panic attacks had relieved him of an immense amount of stress. Perhaps it was that he no longer needed to worry about hiding it from her, or just the simple relief of letting a secret go. Whatever the cause was, Kai felt _wonderful_.

Cinder rolled off the bed and stomped over to Kai's desk, arms crossed over her chest, though there was a slight tilt to the corners of her lips.

Kai reached his hands out to Cinder and she took them, lacing her fingers through his. She pulled Kai to his feet, and then her arms were around him, and his around her, and he just couldn't stop laughing. It was blissful and right— the first right thing in so long. He felt so high, as if he were up in the clouds, floating away from the Earth itself.

And then it was like a hand reached inside him and dragged him back to the ground. He dropped like a popped balloon. It was all so sudden, the change of emotions; a high followed by a sudden low.

Cinder pulled back, her eyes inquisitive, and it was only then that Kai realized he had stopped laughing. He wasn't sure when the laughter had ended, but now he wondered how it was possible that he had ever been capable of laughing.

"Kai," Cinder whispered, bringing a hand up to cup Kai's cheek— no, to wipe a tear away. When had he started crying?

He looked into her eyes and saw a question: _was he ready to talk?_

After his last panic attack when Cinder had found him and helped him out of it, he'd gone to bed, too tired for anything other than sleep. She hadn't pressed him for answers, and for that he was grateful. But he wasn't sure if he'd ever be ready to talk about it— to tell her all the pain that festered within him.

He closed his eyes for just a moment, reminding himself that if he didn't try, then it would always feel like this— this _pain_. If he didn't move toward healing, he would never mend his broken soul.

So Kai clenched his jaw, opened his eyes, and slowly nodded at Cinder.

***

"I just don't know why I'm like this," Kai said, his voice raspy and tired. He sat cross-legged on the bed, Cinder across from him, their knees brushing only slightly. In his left hand rested in Cinder's, so he used his right to swipe at his eyes. His cheeks burned, and he couldn't bear to look at her.

Cinder squeezed his hand tight. She had listened patiently, never interrupting as he laid his soul bare before her. But as she looked at him, her eyes softened.

"You had the responsibility of the entire Earthen Union placed upon your shoulders when you were only eighteen, Kai. You lost both your parents to a plague that an incredibly evil woman placed in your lands. And to top things off, you were forced into marrying that same woman, who was twice your age and preparing to murder you after the marriage.

"Things were hard for all of us during that time, but you had the whole world counting on you," Cinder said. "Humanity's expectations of me were to end up in a Lunar prison. Humanity's expectations of you were to save them from a tyrannical, manipulative, power-hungry queen. I cannot even imagine being in your place."

Kai was speechless. She hadn't made a single false statement, and yet, these were not the words he had expected. Had she truly noticed this— watched him through all the years and hardships? Did she really believe him to be strong?

"Stars, Kai," Cinder sighed. "I can't believe you've been living with all this weighing on you for two years. I hate that you've been suffering from this. I hate it, I hate it, I hate–"

Kai leaned forward and pulled Cinder to him. She was rigid as he held her, but within a few moments she let out a sigh, wrapping her arms around him in return.

"Thank you," Kai whispered, closing his eyes tight. "Thank you for being here for me."

"Kai," Cinder breathed his name in an almost painful manner. "I'll always be here. You and me, we're in this together now.

A little laugh choked out of Kai as a tear slid from his eye. It was the kind of laugh that was filled with only relief. He was no longer a popped balloon, though he wasn't soaring toward the sky either. His feet were firmly planted upon the ground; he wasn't flying, but he also wasn't sinking, and sometimes that was all a person needed. He was anchored by Cinder, and loved and understood by her as well, and that feeling was more wonderful than soaring toward the sky.

Kai pulled away from Cinder, swiping at his eyes. "We're in this together," Kai repeated, smiling as he said the words.

"You don't have to be alone anymore," Cinder said. "That doesn't mean it won't still be hard, but... you no longer have to suffer in silence."

Kai nodded, scratching behind his ear, nervous for his thoughts to spill out upon his lips.

"I think..." Kai trailed off, then cleared his throat. "I think I want to see a therapist— at least try it out. I think it might be good."

Cinder gave him a little smile, then leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his cheek. "You might like it," she said. "It could be really good for you."

"Yeah," Kai said, letting out another one of those weird half laughs that only accompanied crying and nerves. He wasn't entirely sure what to do now— Cinder knew every detail of his past, and the terror he had faced. But she was still looking at him, just as she always had, and Kai knew that she would always be the foundation for which he could base his life on. She would ground him, and he would ground her, and together, they could be happy. Because after a whole lifetime of fear, simply being happy felt like the best thing in the world.

A grin tugged at Cinder's lips, almost mischievous as she watched him.

"What?"

"I was just thinking about how the kitchen staff has definitely gone to bed by now, and that I know where they keep the ice cream," Cinder said, her lips twisting as she tried to control her smile.

Kai let out a laugh, his heart a puddle of happiness. Then he grabbed Cinder's hand, and they raced off to the kitchens, laughing and happy and _okay_.


	5. Enough

“Hey, love,” Kai said, pressing a kiss to Cinder’s cheek and plopping down beside her upon the bed. She had her port in her lap and was feverishly scrolling through a message from Winter about some sort of Lunar business.

Cinder shut off her port and tossed it aside. She sighed, but smiled at him all the same, her eyes inquisitive.

“Hey,” she replied, nudging her shoulder into his. “How was your session with Dr. Takeda?”

Kai clucked his tongue, as if he had to ponder the question. He hadn’t known what to think when going into his first session of therapy. Of course he knew what would happen, but he never could have imagined the effect that it would have upon him. There was something so freeing about a professional explaining the reasons for one’s problems— to hear the statistics and know that he wasn’t alone in his world of anxiety. He felt almost _weightless_.

It was strange to know that he was still the same Kai; he was the Emperor of the Eastern Commonwealth; he had an anxiety disorder and mild depression; he had been hurt and possibly broken. But he was healing and moving forward.

Things were changing, but he was still Kai.

“Really good,” Kai said, allowing himself to fall back upon the bed. “Somehow I never imagined it would be…”

“Like that,” Cinder supplied, laughing as the words escaped her. She looked down at him, brushing a strand of hair from his eyes. “I know what you mean. It’s strange. To tell a person you hardly know all those things about yourself and have them help you through them.”

“He was just so factual,” Kai said, then added, “But in a good way, you know?”

Dr. Takeda was old, and wise in both appearance and manner. Kai decided to see him instead of Shen Yawen in part because Cinder's therapist sounded a little too free-spirited for Kai, and because he needed someone soothing. He needed someone stable— someone who was astute. In the end, he’d chosen Dr. Takeda because he reminded Kai of his dad. 

“Yeah,” Cinder breathed, laying down beside Kai.

“I could just tell him everything— express every emotion— and he understood it all. He could explain things in a way I never could have imagined,” Kai said. “It was like I was clearing my head.”

“Sounds like you liked him.”

“I did,” Kai sighed, turning his head so he could look at her. “He was soothing— a really good listener.”

“Well, that is his job, you know,” Cinder teased.

“Ha-ha,” Kai mock laughed, but smiled all the same. “I don’t know. It just felt good."

“Hmm,” Cinder hummed pleasantly.

Kai turned his gaze up toward the ceiling, his eyes mapping the white paint and the delicate light fixtures within the plaster. He felt serene, though somewhat exhausted as well. It was strange, how tiring healing was. 

“What was your first session like?” Kai asked, then added, “With Dr. Shen?”

“Oh stars,” Cinder chucked, shutting her eyes tight. “It was a little rough— though that was mostly on me. I didn’t really want to be there, and Yawen is… interesting. I think I might have yelled at her the first time I went.”

“Really?” Kai chuckled.

“Yeah,” Cinder huffed, staring up at the ceiling. “I was just frustrated. I think I was telling her about Peony, and how I couldn’t save her,” Cinder’s words hushed, as if she had just walked into a holy temple. “I told her about how I still dream about Peony sometimes, and how I’m always too late, or she’s blaming me for not saving her.”

“What did she say?”

Cinder turned to Kai, her hair mussed about her face, solemn— almost sad. It was a look that he had rarely seen, but recognized all the same. She wore the expression of a girl who had once feared, but learned to overcome it.

“She told me that it’s the other side of sorrow. All this pain that I’ve collected throughout my life, from losing Peony, and worrying about the revolution and you, and even losing my mom and burning in that fire, all built into this ball of hurt within me.”

“And you yelled at her?”

“Yeah,” Cinder laughed. “I told her it was a load of crap. That I was just stressed over my new responsibilities and that I didn’t actually want to be there.”

Cinder looked away from Kai, her gaze returning to the ceiling. Her fingers picked anxiously at the sleeve of her blouse. Gently, Kai reached over and laid his hand atop Cinder’s. She stilled, then relaxed once more.

“She was right,” Cinder whispered. “It all builds up inside of us all. Everyone, no matter their circumstances, collects pain throughout their life. It’s like we’re all picking up pieces of trash, but some people are better at dumping their sorrows away than others. Sometimes we need someone to help us throw it away, and to move on. Actually, I think most all of us need that.”

Kai thought over her words as silence filled the air around him. He’d never thought of pain as something one collected— that it was a thing that a person kept. That it was something one could keep locked within them forever, or slowly released from their aching hearts. But it was. It may not ever fully disappear, at least not the memories, but it could be dulled. Pain was a disease that never abandoned the mind and soul, but there was relief. Kai had found relief in Cinder, and even in Dr. Takeda. He had not been instantly healed by either, but his agony had been eased.

And maybe that was the point of life: to live and hurt and learn to heal. Because no soul could escape pain, but they could always seek relief. There was no end to sorrow, but one could always begin to mend the brokenness within.

“Do you think that sorrow will ever end?” Kai asked. “That there will ever be a time when people can just live and not suffer?”

There was a pause, then Cinder answered, “No." She entwined her fingers with Kai’s, letting how a breath. “But I know that no matter how long sorrow reigns, or pain steals bravery away, we’ll always have hope and love; and I think that that will be enough.”

“I think so, too,” Kai whispered. And he meant it. He had seen the other side of sorrow— lived in that place of hurt for years. His soul had screamed and his heart had cried and his mind had prayed for an end to it all. And even though his past would never leave him, and neither would his pain, he did not despair. He was a shattered glass, but he could glue his pieces back together again. He could live and hurt and find peace. He could be Kai— all the joy and sadness combined.

He could heal; and in the end, that was enough.


End file.
